Phenomena
So, you’ve got an Internet connection, an opinion and some spare time on your hands.
Congratulations! Like everyone else and their blogs, you are now a media hub.
Before you commence e-hurling your iNtellectualism @ the rest of the world, here are ten steps to effective online commentary, the cyber-Singaporean way.
1. Increase your Internet presence.
Set up a website on socio-political issues in Singapore and give it a cerebral, subtle and unique moniker, something like Socially Political SG: Thinking About Socially Political in Singapore.
What you have to say is, after all, very ‘niche’, and no one thinks about critical issues affecting our nation in as classy or as astute a manner as you do.
2. Read widely.
Turn to Google and Wikipedia for all your edificatory needs.
Besides being the only scholarly sources that can be found on the face of the earth, they are also the most reliable, according to teenage students who take a great deal of pride in referencing “en.wikipedia.org” and “ehow.com” in their homework submissions.
3. Participate in community discussions on a consistent basis.
Trawl other websites and forums every hour and leave comments on other posts, regardless of whether or not your advice is sound and/or logical.
Bear in mind that we are a democracy, and democracy, as translated from the Greek, means ‘many people shouting loudly at each other in a self-important fashion’.
Moreover, your counsel serves to affirm and validate the existence of ‘netizens’.
Never underestimate the value of this, even if netizens do not seem to mention their appreciation of your beneficence, or worse, if they seem to respond negatively to what you say.
4. Practice the technique of skimming when you read.
Read the first two words of what has been written in articles and comments from others and come to a quick conclusion about the subject matter:
Other person’s comment: “But the leaked cables should not be seen as the gospel truth. They are not records per se, but recounts. Information has indeed been provided but it is from one perspective – the same as with any other source. And like all information sources, whether or not the information contained in the cables is entirely true is something that a discerning, mature reader must decide.”
Other person’s comment (as read by you): “But they.”
Your immediate response: “U dunch agree with what we’re said then dunch come here la! Fuck of . . . Elitist frick”
Some people might describe this as “making assumptions”, or that this behaviour is “presumptuous”.
They are absolutely right.
Having spare time on your hands doesn’t mean that you have all the time in the world to read in depth, and you will need the spare time for the next step.
5. Write or respond passionately and at length.
When you post your articles or comments, leave the intricate logic and connectors to the motherboard in your computer.
Real human beings argue like their mothers – verbosely, irrationally and audibly (c.f. definition of democracy in Step 3).
For example:
Hi,
Something that a discerning, mature reader must decide ???
So u think u r one ? What guarantee do u have that u can do a better job ??? On what basis ? Any record to show/prove ? u cant even give a clear answer, and u can be a discerning, mature reader ??? U dare to tell people that Wikileaks is not true ? It's like a tiger asking a lion to look into the mirror and smile. Do u not agree ???
Has Wikileaks not proven all this yr ??? Tell me, which same website in the world can survive this long ???
Of course, u can always try the MSM. It's yr free choice. Suggest u re-read my posting on "SINGAPORE MSM SUCK ?" in this forum. Don't say, u have not been fore-warned by me. Ok ???
6. Be nuanced in your interpretation and assessment.
Nuance refers to subtle differences or distinctions that are or can be made in ideas.
Some examples of nuance:
- Everything on the Internet should be believed.
- I’ve read more Google than you have.
- Everyone on the Internet is anti-government.
The ability to detect and present nuance online is, perhaps, the best demonstration of a brilliant mind – like John Nash, sans the math.
7. Keep with the programme.
From time to time, there will be a temptation to clarify information e.g. claims, evidence, statistics, etc.
Don’t. Clarification is weakness entering the body.
To illustrate:
Other person’s comment: “I’m not being arrogant and claiming myself to be a discerning, mature reader. Neither am I being elitist; in fact, I come from quite a humble background. All I’m trying to say is that a polarising view shouldn’t be taken because there are multiple perspectives to consider. Does this make sense?”
WRONG
Your immediate response: “Sorry – don’t quite understand your argument. Can paraphrase or repeat please?”
CORRECT
Other person’s comment (as read by you):“I’m not.”
Your immediate response: “So defensive.. Must be got guilty conscious.. ^ ^”
Other than it being a sign of vulnerability, clarification sets a precedent of checking for accuracy that will have to be followed in the future, hence the need for restraint.
8. Place emphasis on important ideas.
USE CAPITAL LETTERS IF YOUR READERS DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.
RESEARCH HAS SHOWN THAT CAPITAL LETTERS ARE EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE IN CONVEYING COMPLEX IDEAS TO NETIZENS ON THE INTERNET.
ALSO, THIS IS HOW YOUR MUM WRITES WHEN SHE USES THE COMPUTER (C.F. STEP 5).
9. Repeat key words.
If anyone doesn’t get your point the first time round i.e. there are attempts made to rebut what you say or disprove your point, just repeat your earlier argument, word for word.
Patience with plebeians, along with the use of Command-C and Command-V, are important virtues to be learnt in life.
NOTE: REINFORCE STEP 9 WITH STEP 8 IF NECESSARY I.E. USE CAPITAL LETTERS IF YOUR READERS DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.
RESEARCH HAS SHOWN THAT CAPITAL LETTERS ARE EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE IN CONVEYING COMPLEX IDEAS TO NETIZENS ON THE INTERNET.
ALSO, THIS IS HOW YOUR MUM WRITES WHEN SHE USES THE COMPUTER (C.F. STEP 5).
10. Keep it professional.
As a media professional, Step 9 is just one of the ways in which you can demonstrate your expertise and gravitas through empathising with the common man.
However, professionalism also entails foresight, and as the saying goes: if you can’t beat ‘em, ad homin’em!
Hence, make pre-emptive personal attacks on the ethics, values, intellect, etc. of people whom you disagree with.
Additionally, project your literary-mindedness by using metaphors, especially if they’ve been inadvertently constructed due to your half-baked grasp of the English language.
Some choice quotes for your consideration:
- “Do you feel proud of yourself for being the MSM’s indirect mouthpiece by telling us not to read Wikileaks?”
- “You are just another carbon copy of the pro-government brainwashing squad”.
- “COWARD. . . just because we tickled u.. u gets sexcited”.
When all has been said and done, there might be a possibility, though, of you having one or some or all of the following doubts:
- “Why don’t they ‘get’ it?”
- “Why don’t they ‘get’ me??”
- “Why am I the only one who makes sense around here???”
Relax. Feelings of insecurity are normal.
A fervent belief in your advocacy, however, will encourage your detractors to see the error of their ways, even if it’s not in your lifetime (or theirs, for that matter). 
Words Laremy Lee
Illustration Norman Teh
