Phenomena
Besides playing good football and making babies, there is nothing else that we on the Little Red Dot are better at than communicating effectively.
And for good reason too: what in the world could be more Merlion-esque than saying something that one means?
In any case, here are ten steps to effective communication, the Singaporean way.
1. When conversing, the first thing you want to do is to include people in the conversation. Hence, name-drop or insert as many obscure allusions as you can into your speech:
“Yes, Delia said the same thing about the Blue Paper. In fact, she said it was similar to the Green Grass Policy implemented back in ‘08.”
2. If people don’t get it, show amusement. The is best displayed through subtle upward spasms of the muscles between the upper lip and the cheek:
“You… don’t know Delia?” *twitch* “Oh, right – you weren’t on the Remaking WLB committee with us.”
3. Use acronyms. They are the PIE to life in the fast lane during AM rush-hour traffic, just before SUVs go past the ERP gantry:
“WLB, WLB! What part of WLB do you not understand?”
4. A general rule about analogies: the more ambiguous they are, the more effective your communication. Case in point:
“You don’t know what’s WLB? Tsk... My dear, sometimes, when the river hits the rock and the rock refuses to bend, the fish cannot swim through the canal and eat the bread.”
5. Use euphemisms. For example, what was once ‘work-life balance’ is now called ‘work-life harmony’ because it has to be understood that a balance can never be — Because some occasions require workers to put more time into working than —
Perhaps the figures below best illustrate the concepts of work-life balance (Fig. 1) and work-life harmony (Fig. 2):
Figure 1: Work-Life Balance (WLB)
Figure 2: Work-Life Harmony (WLH)
6. Crack jokes, regardless of whether they are funny or not. Your job is not to create laughter; there is no KPI for measuring pleasure, anyway:
“Although some might say that WLH can also stand for ‘We Live Hopefully’.”
7. Laugh at your own jokes. You have an appearance to upkeep, even if it is the same CB face that every Singaporean has.
“‘We Live Hopefully’! Hahahahaha!” (Silence.) “Hahahahaha!” (Makes a CB face.)
8. If people actually try to figure out the joke, or worse, deconstruct it to show how humourless it is, refer to step number two.
9. Use words wrongly but be adamant that your way is the right way of using these words. Either that or be blasé – and pronounce the word the way it’s spelt:
“Why are you so blaze about what I’m saying? (Pause.) What? That is the correct pronounciation what!”
10. Last but not least, some words you can “synergise” with to “grow” your vocabulary and “align” to others: “revert”, “surface”, and “escalate”. For example:
“Chief..
Just liked to surface to u tt new employee cannot synergise.. She had not been aligned and would not grow the department well.. Do not want this to escalate to higher authorities, strongly suggest we revaluate her employmentability???
Pse to revert to me asap. Tks & rdgs
At the end of the day, you might find yourself an ISO9001-certified champion at communicating effectively, but still misunderstood, nonetheless.
Don’t worry – genius is seldom recognised immediately. A well-delivered message, however, will live on in our hearts, minds, and Social Studies textbooks forever. 
Words Laremy Lee
Images Dan Koh & Laremy Lee
